Marriage is challenging. So, before you get hitched, take time to discuss with your future spouse the important nuances that go hand in hand with creating a life together. For instance: money, children, faith, the importance of keeping the toilet seat down, and, of course, holidays. Be sure not to limit the conversation to things like, “My parents will insist on Thanksgiving” or “Of course we are celebrating Flag Day, what are you, a communist?” Make sure you talk about holiday gifts.
My husband and I found out too late that we have different theories on gift giving. For me, Christmas and birthdays are supposed to be magical times full of fun and whimsy. Gifts should be items that make you say, “Wow! The Hope Diamond? That’s amazing! How did you know?” My husband, on the other hand, views gift giving as a chance to get someone else to do his Target shopping for him. When we ask him what he wants for Christmas or his birthday, his typical gift list looks like this:
- Insulated lunchbox
- Gym socks–tall, white
- Air freshener
- Lemon zester
- Birdseed
Me: This is not a wish list.
Him: Yes it is. I wish someone would buy these things so I don’t have to go to Target.
Me: You forgot toilet paper.
He takes the list back and adds: 6) Toilet paper: quilted
You are probably thinking that I have it easy. Here is a man who not only makes a list, but appears to be satisfied with common household items. But here is the problem: he tends to think everyone else is the same way. And that is false. Oh. So. False.
Case in point: The Christmas floor mats. To be perfectly clear, Christmas floor mats are not a thing. Whoever said they wanted floor mats for Christmas? No one, that’s who. Well, maybe my father, but that just proves my point further.
Since this happened before we were married, we were still in the “No, I love you more!” phase. Consequently, I was polite about receiving Christmas floor mats. I thanked him. I may have even said something like, “It’s not every day a girl gets floor mats.”
Him: You told me you wanted them.
Me: I did? Internal monologue: There is no way in hell.
Him: Yes. You complained about how dirty yours had gotten.
Me: (gritted teeth) I love you more for sure.
I made a mental note to be very specific about complaints in the future. Like, “Oh my, look how dirty my neck is without The Hope Diamond!” Apparently, I did not do a good job with this tactic because, unbelievably, he got me floor mats again. For my birthday, he presented me with a giant, rectangular box that looked alarmingly similar to the box that had contained the Christmas floor mats.
Me : This looks really familiar. You didn’t actually get me floor mats again, did you?
Him (grinning): Just open it.
He continued to smile. I reached into the box and pulled out…floor mats.
Me: These are floor mats.
Him: Spring floor mats!
Me: There are other ways to break up with people. You didn’t have to say it with floor mats.
Despite this, we did get married. The lesson to learn here is that even if you forget to cover an important topic like that “floor mats and other super inappropriate gift giving ideas” before you get married, it’s not too late. These days we are very careful to communicate precisely how we feel and what we want from the other person for holidays and birthdays.
Him: Here’s my list.
Me: Quilted, got it.
Him: And your gift…
Me: Amazon Prime will have it to you by Wednesday. Wrapping paper is up in the storage space.
Children and Other Perils 